Careers

"Lowering the unemployment rate one missing intern at a time."

FALOTI is currently looking for experienced candidates to fill a number of positions. Application form can be found at the end of this post. WARNING: Lying on an official FALOTI application form will lead to a black mark on your PERMANENT RECORD.

Boarding Operations Chief

Description

The Boarding Operations Chief (BOC) will be responsible for planning and executing both defensive and offensive shipboard combat operations. BOC will also lead training and practice exercises of the FALOTI Boarding Infantry Team (FALOTIBIT). Furthermore, BOC will be responsible for development of a Boarding Classification System to identify risk/reward for defensive and offensive boarding operations.

Requirements

  • K/D Ratio of at least 4 in COD:MW2 or BF3
  • Documented 10 Deagle Kill-Streak in CS 1.6
  • Demonstrable Skill with a Wind Instrument (Ocarinas do not count)

Acronym Development Adjutant

Description

The Acronym Development Adjutant (ADA) will be responsible for refinement and further development of the system of acronyms used to classify FALOTI operations throughout multiple departments. The current Acronym Compendium/Discernable Codex (AC/DC) is outdated and needs a thorough reworking. Access to the AC/DC and Codebook – Records of Abstract Prominence (C-RAP) will be granted during the application process. Alliteration and Rhyming schemes are required in all refined acronyms.

Requirements

  • Female Gender (Shoe-on-Head Pics Required)
  • Previous Experience as a Librarian, Museologist, or other role involving nomenclature regulation in a complex, nested hierarchy.
  • Must own and wear a pair of Horn-Rimmed Sunglasses during work hours

Human Relations Adjutant

Description

The Human Relations Adjutant (HRA) will be responsible for managing the rather raucous and rowdy FALOTI employee pool. HRA will oversee public shaming events, development and refinement of malicious rumors, and will manage the weekly outing of dirty laundry. Further responsibilities include questioning the sexual orientation of all new recruits, and lampooning of all personal insecurities company-wide.

Requirements

  • Previous Experience as a Failed Comedian, Neglectful Nursing Home Attendant or Disgruntled Retail Assistant Manager
  • Crippling Substance Abuse Problem (Preferably as a result of previous work experience)
  • Colorful Public Arrest Record

Senior Lyricist Intern

Description

Responsible for the analysis, design and development of independent lyric projects related to the overall health and wellbeing of FALOTI integral systems. These projects include enterprise-wide multi-platform, multi-distribution, distributed computing and mainframe lyric applications. This position has responsibilities including but not limited to team lead and man-servant. Will need to work with users and clients to interpret and translate requests into machine language. Maintains up-to-date knowledge of quantum computer mechanics. May be required to work during emergency situations. Any combination of non-work related duties as required by the Chief Fat Appreciation Officer.

Requirements

  • Must have bested CEO Aegis Jackson in a one-on-one, low down gangsta freestyle rap showdown within the last 5 years.
  • Must own at least 2 immortal technique CDs (physical)
  • Competency with Jython, PowerScript, PowerPoint, and Open Office
  • Fluent in spoken ASM

Kennel Operations Adjutant

Description

WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK BARK BARK. Down Chester, DOWN! Erhrm. Excuse me. Kennel Operations Adjutant will be responsible for housing, grooming and training the lovable and adorable FALOTI pug fleet. Operations will include poop-scoopin’, management of canine led tree-watering and research into pug-human communications. All FALOTI pugs will be stationed in the Kennel Operations Adjutant’s personal living space.

Requirements

  • Working proficiency of dog language (multiple dialects preferred)
  • Kennel License / Ability to Mask an Illegal Kennel
  • Proficient knowledge and working experience in D&D as a kobold
  • Certificate of Graduation from one of the Big 5 Clown Schools
  • Must own season 3 of the Dog Whisperer on Blu-ray

Intern

Description

FALOTI Interns will pass through a trial by fire including but not limited to social exposure to other FALOTI employees, contests in experimental imagination, and possibly helping one of us home from the bar on the weekend. Other intern responsibilities will be assigned at random, maybe.

Requirements

  • 1.8 or higher high school GPA or GED
  • Proficiency in English
  • Some vague interest in flying a spaceship
  • Must enjoy fun